An Army of Lovers … (RMB)

In the late 70s, there was an all-girl rock band called Fanny. The front-woman was June Millington. I believe she was the first female rocker. Somewhere in her discography there was a song that said, “Open Up Your Heart, Let it in.” I am not good at this. My recent health issue has put me in a place where I had to work on receiving help, receiving love. “Open Up Your Heart” has become a mantra.

Since I was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer, there has been a shower of love. While sometimes it freaks me out, I am often in the place where I am so grateful and overwhelmed with what people are doing for me. Accepting love is a big order. My heart is full of tears.

Sarah says, “All you need is love.” We all know that Lennon and McCartney made that idea popular when they were writing about love. Later, John Lennon said, “Love is the answer.” Sarah also says that when she is having a hard time with someone she just tells herself, “Love More.” I think she learned that from Robert. Regardless, she is very good at it. She sent me this little painting:

Angie makes gratitude lists and reads a lot of stuff from the self-help gurus. She is about love and sunshine. She gets up early every single day and makes a list. If Angie is around, I promise you will hear something about “Good morning Sunshine.” She gives real hugs. From her, I learn that there are ways to be happy and grateful even when life is full of lemons. Wow.

My wonderful friends, Daniella Woolf and Kim Tyler wanted to set up a “Lotsa Helping Hands” account for me that would allow people who knew I would need help an opportunity to help me. Bringing me meals, and giving rides are the two things that I really need help with. I resisted. How hard could it be? I’ll just stock up on food and cook for myself, I thought. They persisted, and I relented. Ok. Let’s see what happens. I gave them a list of people, and most of them responded. My hospital was 40 miles away. I would need rides. Food has been everyone’s favorite.

Once a day, people come by with food. Food that is ready to eat. Often the go an buy take out food at places like “the Palm” in Aptos and Gayles Bakery. My friend Ana Paula, who has three kids and nothing to do (: - made me a beautiful beef stew. Two days in to the project, I got it. I wasn’t as strong as I wanted to be. Standing up was not so easy. The gift of “Lotsa…” was a great thing. And I was learning to ask for help. Chris Miroyan, who got me to the hospital at 5 a.m. on the day of surgery called from Costco. Did I need something. Normally, I would have just said, “No Thanks,” and let it go. But I really needed a case of water, and asked for it. She brought it over, he had a short visit, and that was that. People who are participating, I will never forget what you have given me. As for the pushy Kim and Daniella, you have not only helped me enormously, but you have taught me accepting acts of kindness is another way of being a friend. I already knew this, but you know how it goes.

A while ago I had a dinner where the main reason was to tell people I finally realized that I am happy. It was a long struggle. I have had a few “dark nights” in my past. Through that process, I have had to rethink my understanding of what some people, most people, call God. Sometime on the dark road, I began to read about Agnes Martin. I have beatified her and named her my spirit guide. In case you don’t know about her, she was a well-known artist, a minimalist.

When asked about God, Agnes said she would rather leave God behind and concentrate on Love. That is what I work on.


How do I do this? Mostly by being grateful. As a kid in Sunday School, we used to make prayers called, “We thank you God.” As five-year-olds, we would make long litanies of our thankfulness for things created by a God who sat in a golden throne surrounded by an English country garden of flowers and a white fence, creating goodness for all the world. The prayer would go like this:

For flowers that grow: We thank you God.
For chocolate bunnies: We thank you God.
For Niagara Falls: We thank you God.
For my baby brother: We thank you God.

The litany is no longer my solution. Though I am grateful for many “things.” I am mostly grateful for ideas – an all-encompassing state of grace. I catch myself wondering what Agnes would do. But today, I don’t make a list. I am not naming names here or simple little things like chocolate bunnies. I am grateful for the state of my life, my own state of being. Don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate a nice chocolate bunny.

I’m grateful that if I had to have cancer in my sixties, it was the kind that let me know it was there before it turned into a big nightmare. Endometrial Uterine Cancer starts to bleed as soon as it can, saying “Hey. Get yourself to a doctor.” This Cancer is called “self contained.” I wasn’t going to say anything about it until my doctor appointment a few weeks later, but the Medical Assistant at my doctor’s office, Sarah Sousa, noticed when a urine sample I gave did not come back clean and called me right away. “Are you bleeding, by any chance?” she wondered. By the time I got to the doctor, I may have forgotten about the bleeding. Sarah Sousa may have saved me from a far worse situation.

I am grateful that I have an amazing support system. Chris jokes that my friends fight over who gets to help me in this journey. I am not sure that is true, but I want for nothing right now. Rita Mae Brown once wrote that an “army of lovers cannot fail.” I know for certain that an army of friend/artists is a right powerful thing.